When you’re on a quest for healing and growth, it’s like you’ve strapped on blinders and forgotten to peek over your shoulder to see the epic distance you’ve covered, the fresh “normals” you’ve nailed down, and how your whole vibe has done a 180.
Oh, and let’s not forget the magic of self-love! When you quit ghosting yourself, your ability to love others doesn’t just expand—it evolves into an entirely new creature!
If you want to be respected, liked, and taken seriously, your actions matter more than anything you say.
The first person who has to respect you is you…
To express love, appreciation, and respect to oneself, focus on acknowledging your inherent worth, forgiving past mistakes, and celebrating your unique qualities, similar to how you would with a loved one. Practices like self-compassion, self-gratitude, and acknowledging your strength and resilience can help to cultivate these positive feelings toward yourself.
The way you treat yourself sets the standard for everyone else.
I used to be such a people pleaser and finally learned how to set boundaries and say no. It’s been a game changer!
Stop trying to be nice / a people pleaser: be true and honest. Setting clear boundaries is such a game changer. People respect you more when you know where to draw the line.
Actions matter, but boundaries really make the difference.
One of the trickiest tightropes folks walk when learning to set boundaries is figuring out the line between setting one and trying to control someone else. If you catch yourself in the ring trying to wrangle someone into being nicer, more respectful, or changing their mind, you’re probably wrestling with things beyond your control (aka other humans).
Let’s remix the serenity prayer, shall we? “Grant me the chill vibes to accept people I can’t change, the guts to change the one I can (aka – ME), and the savvy to spot the difference.”
Here’s the scoop: if you don’t respect your own boundaries, neither will anyone else. Sound familiar?
You’ve got a grand plan to hit the hay early for once, but it magically doesn’t happen. Or you vow to detox from screens on Sunday, but the digital sirens win. Or maybe you’re ready to give space to that energy-sapping individual but let them zoom back in. Or you promise to clock out by 6, but the “just one more thing” gremlin keeps you glued for two extra hours.
I hear you! Setting boundaries is haaaaaard. But what if you actually nailed it and felt like the boss of your own life? Imagine feeling physically, mentally, and emotionally fabulous, all while inspiring others to do the same. Not too shabby, right?
The rub with boundaries is they get a bad rap for being restrictive. We think they chop away at time, fun, or moolah. But flip that script: boundaries boost productivity, carve out space, and hand you the reins. They build self-trust and confidence, paving the way to your dreams and health goals.
Boundaries are like a winning lottery ticket for abundance.
Picture boundaries as the fence between a lovely path and a wild forest of distractions and shiny temptations. They guide you through the chaos. Boundaries can be emotional, time-related, relationship-focused, or about when to put down the phone. They’re as diverse as our lives and everyone deserves their own custom-fit fence.
Why are healthy boundaries a big deal?
They’re the backbone of self-worth. Drawing that line in the sand between your needs and someone else’s is crucial. We often break our own rules for others or worry about their opinions.
Healthy boundaries are the secret sauce for self-esteem and mental health.
It’s as simple as that!
Forgive your past self:
Let go of guilt, regret, and shame, as they are simply parts of your story, not the whole narrative.
- Identify your strengths: Focus on and be thankful for the qualities that make you strong and resilient.
- Stop negative self-talk: Actively work to quiet any negative messages in your mind to foster a more accepting view of yourself.
Be great at something – “Mastering Our Craft” gives us three by-products: confidence, respect, and financial wellbeing.
Earning respect requires a balanced approach: real self-development, building genuine power through knowledge, skills, and experience (the hard part), and applying smart behavioural strategies (the easier part). Over-emphasizing only the behavioural tricks can make someone seem manipulative or shallow, but never truly respectable. In the end, people respect the core value you bring to the table.
The #1 Sign Someone Truly Loves Themselves
(This Is How You Know Someone Has Unconditional Self-Love)
Without THIS… every relationship you enter will eventually turn toxic.
A beautiful woman asked me recently:
“When do you know that you (or another person) has unconditional self-love? What is the measure of this?”
It’s such an important question.
Because most people confuse self-love with self-indulgence.
Or with confidence.
Or with “good vibes only.”
But unconditional self-love runs much deeper.
Here’s how you know:
They no longer abandon themselves…
Not with toxic partners.
Not with numbing habits.
Not by ghosting their own soul when things get hard.
Even when they feel ashamed or broken, they don’t run.
They stay.
They hold boundaries like sacred ground.
Not out of defensiveness… but out of reverence.
They won’t sacrifice their truth just to be liked, accepted, or kept around.
They own their shadows instead of hiding them.
Unconditional self-love means you can look at your messiest parts and still say:
“Yes, that’s me too. And I’m still worthy.”
They treat their body as a temple, not a trash can.
Food, rest, movement, pleasure… everything becomes an act of reverence instead of punishment.
They don’t settle for counterfeit love.
Because when you love yourself unconditionally, conditional love no longer satisfies.
You won’t tolerate breadcrumbs, manipulation, or disrespect.
They expand instead of collapse under failure.
The voice in their head shifts from: “You’re worthless” to: “This is a lesson. Get back up.”
And here’s the paradox:
When you meet someone who loves themselves unconditionally, you feel it.
There’s a calmness to their presence.
They’re not hustling for worthiness.
They radiate a kind of safety that says:
“I am enough. And because I am enough, you’re safe to be enough too.”
You can feel it in conversation.
You can feel it in intimacy.
You can even feel it in silence.
Because self-love changes how someone makes love, too.
They don’t grasp.
They don’t cling.
They overflow.
Here’s the hard truth most people don’t want to admit:
Without self-love, every relationship you enter will eventually turn toxic… because you’ll abandon yourself and call it “love.”
The measure isn’t perfection.
It isn’t flawless confidence.
It isn’t the absence of fear or shame.
The measure is this:
The unwavering devotion to never abandon yourself again.
Because when someone learns to love themselves this way… their love for others transforms too.
It becomes less about possession…
and more about freedom.
Less about conditions…
and more about truth.
Less about fear…
and more about reverence.
Self-love isn’t a hashtag.
It’s a daily discipline.
So the question is… what will you do TODAY to show yourself you won’t abandon yourself again?
—Eric Graham 
LADIES: What’s one way you can tell you’re not abandoning yourself anymore?
MEN: What does unconditional self-love look like in your daily life?
I tucked away my quirky, woo-woo self, interests, and values like a hidden treasure, all to be likable or fit into the crowd.
- I was the ultimate needs-before-my-own champ, forever chasing approval or steering clear of conflict.
- Boundary Mishaps:
- My “no” was on holiday, and setting limits? More like “come one, come all,” leaving me a prime target for being taken advantage of.
- Co-dependent Capers:
- My fulfillment came from playing superhero to others’ needs, instead of nurturing my own inner sparkle and self-worth.
- Rocky Relationship Rhythms:
- I sought external validation and played caretaker to plug up my internal emptiness.
- Behind the Mask:
- I had to learn why I had never felt loved by a man and used as an object. Never having experienced aftercare after sex. Have you ever finished having sex and felt a wave of emotion, and wanted to cry?
- Solo masturbation can be a fun, sexy, and safe way to explore your desires and learn what turns you on. Plus, there are so many health benefits that there’s no reason not to sneak in some pleasure every day.
- If you’re new to solo play, that’s OK, too. There’s no right or wrong way to masturbate, so take the time to discover your body.
- Bottom line: Do what makes you feel good, and allow yourself to enjoy every moment!
I’ve Cranked Up My Self-Awareness:
Scribble, Scribble, Scribble: Dive into my thoughts and feelings, exploring the mystery of why I sometimes forget myself in the hustle and bustle.
Tune Into My Body: My body’s like a trusty GPS, alerting me with tension or resistance when it’s time to switch lanes in life.
Spot My Needs: I’m on a mission to ask myself what I need right now, whether it’s a cosy blanket or a whole new life path.
Embrace Self-Compassion:
Be My Own Bestie: I ponder how I’d treat a friend in my shoes and shower myself with the same warmth and understanding.
Feel the Feels: Give myself the green light to experience every emotion, acknowledging that it’s totally okay to feel what I feel.
Build Self-Trust and Boundaries:
Tiny Promise Keeper: I’m a superstar at making small promises to myself, proving I’m someone I can count on.
Mastering the Art of No: I’m now a boundary-setting ninja, protecting my energy and realizing that prioritizing my needs isn’t selfish—it’s self-care!
Seek Support and Healthy Relationships:
Lean on My Loyal Crew: I’ve got a tight circle that lifts me up, respects my limits, and loves the quirky, woo-woo me.
Professional Backup: we have our ladies circle with a trusted therapist for my secret weapon, helping me unravel the mysteries of self-abandonment, heal past wounds, and fine-tune my assertiveness. I’ve explored new hobbies, wandered solo, treated myself to weekly flower deliveries, and indulged in all kinds of pampering.
I’ve learned the magic of giving and RECEIVING, with “thank you” as my guiding mantra.
When one person (or both people) continually disrespects, mistreats or lies to the other, intimacy is broken.
It can be rebuilt, but not without genuine repentance and hard work.
Most men I talk with want closeness with their partners. Men find the touch channel easier than the talk channel. Share that you don’t want to be just an object he uses when he’s sexually frustrated, but a person he loves, and right now he doesn’t treat you like he loves you. This may help him see the impact of his behaviour, not only on you, but on him.
Eve was not created as a body for Adam to use, but a person to love and share life with.
The ability to have positive sexual experiences and provide good aftercare can depend on an individual’s maturity, emotional control, and emotional intelligence, rather than solely on self-love. A person’s behaviour during and after sex is also influenced by the dynamics within the relationship, including communication, trust, and the overall emotional connection between partners. Selfish or those who don’t love themselves may fail to perform well in aftercare because their focus remains on their own needs rather than those of their partner. Practicing good aftercare is a learned skill that can improve with communication and conscious effort, regardless of one’s internal struggles with self-love.
Aftercare refers to a variety of behaviours after sex; it can be time spent cuddling, talking and taking care of your partner.
When it comes to Sex and aftercare, they should always go hand in hand; every couple that has sexual relations should be performing aftercare every time.
Not only is this the natural thing to do after having sex, but it will also help you create a more personal and more profound connection with your sexual partner.
Those who don’t carry out any form of aftercare don’t have a bond as strong as those who do; it is all down to the nurturing side of Sex. Once we have finished having sex, we feel vulnerable and naked, and we all know it is not the same as in the movies.
During sex, endorphins and feel-good hormones including oxytocin can be released, activating pleasure centres in the brain. Aftercare can help regulate how you feel and how your body responds as those chemicals dissipate. People, especially men, can be prone to depression after having sex, so taking care of your partner and seeing that their emotional needs are met may help prevent that.
Intimacy, connection, and closeness do not have to end after an orgasm.
Before engaging in any aftercare activities, you can check in with your partner about the kinds of aftercare that would feel good for them. Communication and consent about desired activities after sex is important, just as consent for sex itself is.
To get the most out of sexual aftercare, it is integral to understand your partner and their changing needs.
There’s no right or wrong way to practice aftercare. A couple’s sexual life permeates beyond just the act of sex. Paying attention to the build up and aftermath of sex can enhance the overall quality of your relationship.
It’s the time after a sexual activity where you take care of your partner and yourself to ensure that everyone involved feels cared for and respected.
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Inspired by the one and only TOM …
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