The parentified son became the “little man” of the house at a young age.
- . He felt the weight of his mother’s stress and stopped showing any fear or sadness because she looked to him to comfort her. He still feels he’s responsible for her life choices.
- The parentified son wants to connect and be vulnerable, but he’s been in survival mode for so long, all he does is push people who love him away. He isolates himself because a part of him is still that little boy trying to survive.
Parentification is known as an “invisible” trauma where a child becomes an emotional caretaker to an adult. When we’re put in this dynamic, we experience emotional neglect. This leads to low self worth, anxiety, confusion about who we are, issues in relationships etc. We also struggle with understanding boundaries because we were never modelled them.
This is an “invisible” trauma that has life long impact. Parentification has lifelong impact on how we feel about ourselves and how we interact in relationships.
The parentified son is filled with anger from his childhood emotional neglect.
It comes out when he snaps at his partner or his children who walk on eggshells around him.
He hates how he reacts, but no one ever taught him to regulate his emotions.
The parentified son can use women to fulfil his wounds.
Dr. Nicole LePera
He seeks superficial attention to temporarily numb his insecurities.
He’s unfaithful because he’s easily overwhelmed with the needs of a long-term partner, and desperate for admiration.
The parentified son believes his role is to take care of every member of his family.
No one showed him that boundaries are healthy. And that no single person is meant to take on every burden of the adults around them.
The parentified son became the version of himself that would get his father’s praise and still has no idea who he truly is.
At 40 / 50 he wakes up and wonder who’s life he’s living and wonders why he feels so empty.
The parentified son often calls people “soft.”
Never having the opportunity to develop a sense of self, he copes with his insecurities by creating a persona of strength. He doesn’t understand confidence is quiet and compassionate.
The parentified son believes he can only be valued by working and providing.
He’s a workaholic to cope with his anxiety. He’s burnt out and needs a break, but he also fears stillness and can’t relax without feeling guilty.
The parentified son carries so much regret.
Regret for what he didn’t do and how he could have done better.
He punishes himself through: not taking care of his body, drinking too much, and any form of escapism available to him.
The parentified son believes his role is to keep everyone around him happy.
But inside he’s drowning in doubt and wonders if he’ll ever meet someone who appreciates him for who he is, not what he can do for them.
Heal from parentification with Dr. Nicole LePera book “HOW TO DO THE WORK”
https://www.youtube.com/@TheHolisticPsychologist
Children adapt quickly to please parents.
This is actually we’re people pleasing + self betrayal begin: because the child has no choice.
The first step to healing this is to begin reparenting yourself.
The most important part of the reparenting process will be:
1. Learning what boundaries are, how to set them, + how to keep them
2. Learning what your needs are + how to meet them (parentified children typically are unaware of their own needs because a parent never helped meet them)
3. Self Compassion: being kind to yourself. Experiencing parentification can be extremely traumatic, confusing, + scary.
Being kind to your inner child as you heal is so important #selfhealers
Angry men are hurt men and it’s their responsibility to heal themselves.
Emotionally immature parents (EIP) tend to carry a lot of unresolved shame which shows up as high level of defensiveness.
Our work is to learn how to self regulate, to pause, to learn to actively listen, and maybe most importantly: STAY CURIOUS. This will transform our relationships.
Man goes from one woman to another, goes on changing.
People think he is a great lover; he is not a lover at all.
He is avoiding, he is trying to avoid any deep involvement because with deep involvement problems have to be faced, and much pain has to be gone through.
So one simply plays safe; one makes it a point never to go too deeply into somebody.
If you go too deep you may not be able to come back easily.
And if you go deeply into somebody, somebody else will go deeply into you also; it is always proportionate. If I go very deep in you the only way is to allow you also to go that deep in me.
It is a give and take, it is a sharing.
Then one may get entangled too much, and it will be difficult to escape and the pain may be much.
So people learn how to play safe: just let surfaces meet — hit-and-run love affairs. Before you are caught, run.
This is what is happening in the world, people are losing all maturity.
Maturity comes only when you are ready to face the pain of your being; maturity comes only when you are ready to take the challenge.
And there is no greater challenge than love.”
-Osho
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