I’ve always been an outspoken outgoing person since childhood. Every abusive relationship I’ve been in started with the guy being enamoured by independence. They loved I was outspoken, loved I was in a band and “owned” the stage. But then they started to try to control me. What I ate, how I dressed, who I was friends with, my career, my body even. It wasn’t until later that I realized they all saw me as a challenge, something to cage and conquer.

Can I ask you men a question seriously?

If you meet a woman who clearly has a lifestyle she enjoys—she dresses well, takes care of herself, loves going out, exploring new restaurants, traveling, trying new things, making memories—why do you pursue her just to bring absolutely none of that energy into her life?

Why chase a woman who’s full of life, constantly curating joy, only to offer bare minimum effort and half-hearted “vibes”? You see her glowing.

You see her putting intention into the life she’s creating for herself. She’s not waiting around for someone to entertain her—she’s already building her own version of happiness. So why come in talking about, “Well I wanna see you, but I don’t really like to go out like that,” like that’s some type of attractive selling point? Sir, what exactly are you bringing to the table besides inconvenience and confusion?

The worst part is that some of y’all will see her lifestyle, be drawn to it, and then immediately start trying to shrink her into your comfort zone.

Why?

If you’re not a man who enjoys dates, experiences, or putting in effort to make a woman feel special, then go find someone whose idea of quality time is sitting in silence and staring at the wall.

Because that woman—the one out there living, laughing, glowing—is not for you. Matching energy is a real thing.

And no, that doesn’t mean spending money recklessly or faking a personality. It means intentionality.

It means showing up in ways that enhance her life, not dim it.

If you can’t match what she’s already giving herself or at least be willing to contribute to her joy, then please—respectfully—stop bothering women who are happy, fulfilled, and not asking for a man to drag them backward. You don’t have to be rich. You don’t have to be flashy.

But if you don’t have effort in your spirit, if thoughtfulness is foreign to you, and your version of dating is “you can come over and chill,” then you’re not ready for a woman like her.

And that’s okay. Just don’t waste her time pretending like you are.