When abandonment jitters kick in (like if you’re besties with Anxious Attachment), your brain goes into full-on surveillance mode!

You may start to see abandonment happening, even if it’s not happening. You will FEEL it happening, even if it’s not happening.

A partner’s temporary distraction, or lack of response?

This can be felt from the lens of abandonment, rather than the lens of understanding and inner security.

A partner’s need for space?

This can be felt from the lens of fear, rather than a secure acceptance of their needs.

A partner is not ready to commit?

This will be felt from the lens of abandonment, rather than the SECURE knowing that genuine & lasting commitment takes time to be sure of – from both sides.

A healthy person sees that they are choosing what is happening to them and sees their power to take charge.

They chose to be in a relationship with someone critical.

And they can choose to quit the relationship or the job.

But the victim mentality blinds us to this.

We still play that helpless child.

We are paralysed, unable to take responsibility and make decisions that would move us forward.

Deep down we might even believe we deserve to suffer, or that the only way to get attention and love is if others feel sorry for us.

Why would I choose to always be a victim?

By: super awesome Constantly acting a victim can actually have a lot of perks.

These can look like the following: you don’t have take responsibility for things you have the ‘right’ to complain and receive attention others feel sorry for you and give you attention people are less likely to criticise or upset you others feel compelled to help you and do what you ask for you can tell stories about the things that happened to you and seem interesting there is no time to be bored because there is so much drama in your life you can avoid ever feeling anger as you are too busy being sad and upset.

The Secret Power Behind Being a Victim Despite the learned helplessness, victimhood does mean a certain type of power.

And that is through attention and sympathy.

Having others feel sorry for you is an unconscious way to manipulate them into meeting your needs and wants. This can be something small, like someone always going to the shops for you. Or can be deeper and more insidious. Your ‘poor me’ act can be used so another is forced to treat you nicely and never yell at you, even if you aren’t being fair.

Or keep them so guilty they are unable to walk away from you even if they want to.

Co-dependency and victimhood

An example of victimhood as a form of power is a co-dependent relationship, such as the one between an alcoholic and their partner.

The ‘caregiver’ can play a victim, putting up with the alcoholic’s terrible behaviour and sacrificing their own needs to care for them. But then they can also use guilt, complaints, and ‘poor me’ tirades to then attempt to control the alcoholic.

Why am I the sort of person who plays the victim?

You could have learned to play victim because you watched the adults around you doing so. It your mother or father, for example, always felt the world was out to get them?

And complained daily about all the people who wronged them?

You would take on board this was the way to gain personal power and attention.

It’s possible you had a co-dependent relationship with one of your parents and felt responsible for their wellbeing.

This could have been taking care of a sick (mentally or physically) parent.

Or being led to believe you are in charge of their happiness.

Or, you might have learned to be a victim because it was a way to survive your childhood.

As a child, we all require attention and love.

If it’s not offered freely by our caregivers, we are left to find ways to receive it.

Perhaps, in your family home, the only way to receive attention and care was to be sick, or to act weak, or to allow bad things to happen to you.

But again, many people who live life from a victim mentality were sufferers of abuse as a childhood.

This is often sexual abuse.

The helplessness a child feels, combined with the deep shame abuse causes, can mean you grow into an adult who has no self-esteem and who sees the world as a dangerous place they are lost in.

What should I do if I recognise that I suffer from victimisation?

On a good note, because a victim mentality is a learned behaviour, you can indeed ‘unlearn’ it.

It is, however, a process which takes time and can be quite intense, especially if it is connected to childhood trauma like abuse or neglect.

And dealing with victimisation means you must then face the anger, sadness, shame and fear that playing the victim protects and hides you from.

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