Relationships are the sources of our greatest joys and our greatest hurts—sometimes simultaneously.

A friend came to me recently, torn about his relationship.

He asked, “Do you think I should end it?”

I didn’t answer right away. I asked, “Where are you at with this? Are you leaning out?”

He said, “She’s just not herself anymore. No spark. No motivation. She doesn’t want to do anything or talk about anything. She’s shut down. And she’s not willing to work on the relationship either and it appears her trust has gone”

So I asked him, “When did she start acting like that?”

“About two months ago,” he said.

“And when did you start doubting the relationship?”

He paused. Looked down. “Also about two months ago.”

There it was.

Men don’t always realize this, but a woman who’s emotionally connected to you can feel your distance before you even say a word.

She knows when you’ve pulled back. She might not know exactly why, but her whole system feels it.

And if she doesn’t feel safe enough to talk about it, she’ll go into freeze. Her shutdown is fear. It’s her body saying, “I don’t know where I stand anymore, so I’m not going to move at all.”

He looked at me, frustrated. “Okay, that actually makes sense. But now I’m the one wanting to leave.

So what do I do?”

I asked him one question: “If I told you the exact thing to do to find out what’s real between you, would you do it?”

He nodded. “Yeah. I’d do it.”

I said, “Then here it is. Love her with everything you’ve got.

For 30 days.

No more questioning, no more doubting, no more half-in half-out. No more calculating if she’s doing enough. Just love her.

Full stop. Show her, every day, that she’s safe with you.

Not to manipulate. Not to get something back. But to take full responsibility for how your doubt has impacted her. You do that for 30 days, and you’ll know exactly what this relationship is.”

He paused for a long time. “Okay,” he said. “I can do that.”

By day 6, she was laughing again.

She started texting him during the day just to say she missed him.

She came alive. More than ever she filled up the whole house with her light.

Because here’s what most men don’t understand: women don’t open up in a vacuum. They open up when it’s safe. They get playful when they feel wanted. They stop protecting themselves when they feel your commitment as a daily act of presence.

You can’t half-love a woman and expect her to be whole.

And if you’ve been pulling away, even silently, her nervous system already knows. You’re not imagining her shutdown. You caused it. Maybe not on purpose, but it’s yours to repair if you want something real.

So if you’re stuck in the “Should I stay or go?” loop, here’s what I’d say:

Stop asking that question for 30 days.

Show up. All in. Lead the love. Like a man.

And watch what happens.

How to leave

If leaving with grace and respect is the goal, how do you get there? How do you exit without regret, shame, blame? With forgiveness, generosity, and a courageous spirit of bravely creating your future?

Breaking up does not require, nor should it involve, breaking the other person’s ego or spirit. 

In fact, done well, leaving a relationship can be an opening for both of you. It should be an opportunity for you to build a multitude of things: confidence in yourself, future relationships that are better and more fulfilling, new tools for engaging in difficult conversations, and life’s next chapter—one you can begin after successfully wrapping this current relationship. 

Write it out

Writing out what you want to say, even if you’re not one to journal, is a helpful strategy when stress and emotions are involved. One simple approach you can try: Write 5-10 sentences, each finishing the phrase “I’ve realized that to be happy I need ______.” 

Review what you’ve written. Strike any hint or whiff of how the other person is to blame for your needs not being fulfilled. As tempting or true as they might be, it’s unhelpful to say them when leaving a relationship; they’ll just evoke defensiveness and cross-blaming. If you’re staying in a relationship, talking through core needs and how they can be fulfilled is a very worthwhile, necessary thing to do.

But if your goal is to end it, blame and shame are counterproductive. 

Practice your talking points

Now look at your list again. Choose two or three of the sentences that best get at the very core of your needs and wants—those things that will move you toward your fullest potential and happiness. Practice saying those sentences out loud. You might even record yourself doing so, listening to them to get a sense of how they sound, how they might land on the other. Recruit a best friend or trusted colleague to role-play: You saying these things and them responding as the other might. 

Although it can seem robotic to literally write a script for ending your relationship, here’s what the research shows: “Overlearning”—practicing something so often it becomes second nature—reduces the chance we’ll default into fight or flight mode. When our adrenal systems take over, the odds of a respectful, graceful conversation are lower. 

Words matter. Choosing words that centre your agency will inspire better and positive conversational energy and reduce the chance the other takes a belligerent or defensive stance. Being intentional about each word you use is the difference between your goal (respectful, graceful exit) and the antithesis (a dumpster fire, screaming match, or them reaching out with anger and blame). 

As you practice your exit approach, focus on framing your needs and wants as yours and yours alone. Explain you’ve discovered and figured out these things while carefully reflecting on and coming to this decision. Others can’t really argue about our needs, preferences, and feelings when they are presented as ours and ours alone—as incomplete as they might be. 

What might rituals of goodbye or relationship-ending look like? 

• You could write each other a letter and agree to read aloud to each other before saying your final goodbye. 
• You might agree to meet at a place that was meaningful to you both and agree to each state three things the relationship has given you. 
• You each might bring an object symbolizing your favourite characteristic or trait of the other, placing the artefact in a symbolic place in nature (rock, waterfall, base of a tall tree), offering a blessing for all that you shared, and acknowledging that you each have many gifts to share with others. 

Rituals help the closure process. Keep in mind that closure for you (and them) might take a while—often longer than anticipated. Be patient, especially with yourself. Don’t expect even the most intentional rituals and goodbye conversations to be magical balms to your sadness, perhaps even anxiety, despite carefully choosing this path. 

Develop a mantra

In your journey toward releasing the relationship, a simple mantra said throughout the days ahead can be healing. For me, the simpler the better: “I consent to my happiness.” Or, “I choose myself.” 

Words are energy. They can serve as helpful reminders about why we’ve made the decision and why we’re sticking with it. 

Be clear about your future intentions

Finally, as you end your relationship, avoid leaving a crack in the door for future reconnection unless your intention is separating, not severing. A mindful separation can be a wise strategy, or when choosing estrangement from family members. If separation is your goal, it’s ideal that you and that person (or people) secure a therapist, an expert who can walk with you as you work on your relationship or, perhaps, gracefully and respectfully split for good.

In most other situations, offering even a glimmer toward a future relationship is disrespectful—giving a false hope on which to hang their heart. In these cases, avoid statements like “I’m just in a hard place in life right now, but maybe sometime in the future we will work.” 

Also avoid serving as their therapist, offering to provide ongoing support as they navigate and process the ending. You’re the last person they actually need as they find their new footing. 

One last thing, which should go without saying: Never end a relationship in text or email, unless you’re in physical danger. 

When to leave

In my mind and experience, when to leave is more complex because it comes with layers of questioning. Should I invest even more in trying to make this work? How much is too much adapting, bending, stretching? Am I trying to fix something that’s unfixable, and is it for the right reasons? Have I given this enough time? Enough energy? The proper type of investment? 

I asked a few twenty somethings about their perspectives on leaving relationships. My brilliant and witty twenty-one-year-old son happily weighed in, saying, “Leave when it sucks.” 

He’s not completely wrong. But some nuance is important. 

All relationships will suck at times. It’s part of the deal, especially relationships that are worth it. Harder to figure out is how much messy, angst, and conflict is too much? And which is of the healthy vs. unhealthy variety? What kinds of conflict and messiness are cancerous to the relationship? And which are actually okay and necessary?

Grab a journal, a pen, a cup of herb tea. I suggest not working through all of these questions in one sitting. 

• What five words would you use to describe the quality of your relationship over time with this individual? Write them down. Study them. Let them soak in. (It can be hard to find the right words, so I’ve included a short list below that might help.)
  • Generative, joyful, bountiful, neglectful, isolating, meandering, uncomfortable, flourishing, unsettling, nourishing, painful, heavy, light, passionate, playful, exciting, caring, gentle, loving, negative, tentative, rich, alive, dynamic, limiting, lovely, compliant, suspicious, hostile, dubious, hesitant, gratifying, generous, thrilling, captivating, pleasing, engaging, pleasurable, tiring, unpleasant, disagreeable, disappointing, satisfactory, decent, average, respectable, fine, amicable, gracious, warm, cheerful, priceless, enjoyable, ideal, superb, broken, incomplete, imperfect, positive, cheerful, joyous, jubilant, lively, bitter, miserable, adverse, colorless, cynical, peaceful, sparkling, light, heavy, abundant, plentiful, unusual, creative, stimulating, pessimistic, inspired, invalidating, antagonistic, oppositional, uninteresting, confident, ornery, unfortunate, disagreeable, enjoyable, gratifying, pleasing, cheerful, draining
• What five words do you wish were those you’d first use if someone asked you to describe the quality of your relationship? Compare your two lists. What are the differences? Why do you think those lists are not identical? Sit with these lists, letting them speak truth into your heart.
• When you’re with the person, do you often feel drained and unfulfilled? Or do you feel content, perhaps even energized? 
• Is this person generally open to your influence—willing to adapt, to follow your lead, to say “I love that idea!”? 
• After being with this person, do you feel generally better or worse about yourself?

• Does the “we” (your we-ness) prevail in your relationship, most of the time? Or is there a dominant sense of “me-ness” (my needs, my wants, my values, my opinions, my story, my goals)—one or the other of you having a “me” that takes precedent time and time again?
• Does the person blame you for their problems, suggesting that if only you would be different/act differently/think differently negative things wouldn’t happen as often to them?
• In this relationship, would you say there is a fairly equal give and take? Or do you feel like they do most of the taking and you do most of the giving?
• Do you tip-toe around expressing yourself, your needs, what makes you upset, or what you need to be happy?  
• Overall, would you describe this relationship as one characterized by feelings of contentment and security? Or would you describe it as a relationship characterized by often feeling unsettled?
• When you offer feedback or make requests that the other person stop or start doing something that is important to you, are they defensive? Or do they welcome your thoughts and insights with a sense of curiosity?
• To what degree do you feel like you need to change yourself to make the other person happy and less critical of you? 
• Does the relationship feel like it’s consistently an effort? Or does it usually give you a sense of ease? Of peace? Of feeling rather content?
• Overall, would you describe the relationship as generative—one that is helping both of you positively grow, adapt, and become? Or does the relationship often feel like you’re carrying a heavy backpack? If you could set that backpack down, how would you feel? Lighter? 
• What is one thing you’ve told no one about your relationship? Why do you think you might be hiding that thing from others? 
• There’s no score nor right/wrong ways to answer the above questions just as there is no one answer about when and if you should leave a relationship. That said, once you get honest about the qualities and characteristics of your relationship over time, you can get honest about if it’s time to let it go or give it more work. 
• And here’s the thing: If you haven’t had ______ (fill in the five words you chose that describe your ideal relationship, such as positive/exciting/generative/enriching/joyful), you might not know that those types of relationships are possible. Trust me, they are. Don’t settle. 
• Yes, you might care deeply about the person. But, as one of my wise former students, Gen, recently reminded me, “Caring about someone is not the same as having a healthy relationship with them. Realizing the difference is where the processing of when to leave begins. And only you can do the work to understand when that is.” 
• Still unsure? Ask a trusted friend what they think. Ask the hard questions, even the ones you maybe haven’t wanted to: “Is my partner emotionally abusive? Am I seeing the relationship clearly? What might I be missing?” Then, be fully willing to listen to the answers, without defensiveness. It can be hard to hear that they think you’re in an emotionally abusive marriage or that your family or boss or sister is incredibly toxic. But do you want to keep on kidding yourself, believing all is well while most of the people you trust know it’s not? Most of the time, we’re not going to tell you until you ask. 
• There’s just one last question to address: Why should you leave unfulfilling relationships?
• Why to leave
• This seems like a rhetorical question, right? We leave because we’re not happy, not thriving, lacking _______ (you know the drill; fill in the blank). 
• Yet there is another reason. 
• Good relationships are good for us and stressful, unhealthy relationships are shaving years off our lives. 

And as you do, be graceful and respectful with the way you speak to yourself as you find that exit ramp. On the other side is, I guarantee you, freedom. 

And if you need any more nudging, consider this: Even the greatest relationship scientist, researcher, and therapist in the world, Dr. John Gottman, when asked what advice he’d give to his younger self, simply said: “Get out of bad relationships sooner.” 

I couldn’t agree more.

Sending lots of love and big hugs your way!

Xo,

From Love to Strangers: Feeling like loneliness is crashing your party after a love gone AWOL?
Let’s chat about those whimsical dreams and illusions that need a one-way ticket to Bye-Bye Land!
Sure, tearing them down might stir up a storm, but clinging to them is like trying to fly with cement shoes.
Some dreams are shiny nuggets of hope; others, well, they’re last week’s leftovers, dragging us back.
It’s time for a farewell fiesta, where we bid adieu to the dreams that cramp our style.
Pen those release letters to past loves and outdated ideals!

When relationships nosedive, hearts crave a little TLC. Enter Lynette Stein, your guide from lonely-ville to love-town, with a life bursting with purpose. Life’s no fairy tale, and sometimes it feels like the scales are rigged, breeding resentment toward the world—or even ourselves. Remember, healing and self-punishment don’t mix!

But fear not, we’re here to hold your hand! This adventure promises a life brimming with joy instead of voids.
Choose escapades over endless pondering! Dive into the real world and give it a whirl. You won’t wake up regretting those magical moments! Keep hitting snooze on life, and one day you’ll wonder how you ended up in snooze-ville.

So, embrace the exhilarating journey ahead! Blaze a new trail and shake things up. Be unapologetically, fabulously you. Celebrate what ignites your passion and release what holds you back. Let your inner compass steer the ship—after all, you’re the captain!

When it comes to crafting meaningful life changes, many think a big splash is key. Lynette Stein, author of “Whispers of Magic,” offers a twist. She champions transformation through the ripple effect of small choices. Discover the power of tiny tweaks with her Shades of Magic book series, featuring titles like “I Love You,” Everything You Love About Yourself, and Sensuous Beings, all on Amazon. These gems are inspired by her transformative courses and retreats that have helped countless souls boost relationships, careers, and well-being.
Why not begin this quest for a healthier, happier life?

We’re adjusting our unicorn horns and giving ourselves a generous dose of vibrant love!
Uncover the true essence of love free from compromise or societal pressures, even if past heartaches linger in your thoughts.
How can you discover an authentic love that appreciates you beyond societal norms and material desires?
Is it possible to find true happiness without a partner, and what does a genuine relationship feel like in today’s world?
If these questions resonate with you, know that you are not alone. Many individuals, including seasoned romantics, grapple with societal expectations and disappointments.

Nevertheless, love is a remarkable journey of self-discovery and empowerment. But can you experience all this while preserving your self-worth and individuality? In “Juicy Relationships: The Gaslighting Guru, Empowering You Against Manipulation & Discover Your Life’s Meaning!” you will embark on a journey that redefines love beyond superficial attractions. Grounded in rich narratives and relatable characters, you’ll explore a tapestry of connections that celebrate love in its most authentic forms.

It’s all about vibration—energy! This is how we draw things into our lives. Overcome the fear of scarcity. It’s essential to open our hearts. What you resist persists. Let go of self-doubt and embrace gratitude. Master your craft; when you’re in the flow, things feel effortless. Struggling often comes with resistance and effort. Address your patterns. Trauma can spike blood glucose levels, creating a need for control. The immune system reacts to this as a threat, leading to inflammation—it’s a protective response. Tackle toxic patterns that put stress on the body. Focus on mind management; remember, I am not my depression—it is not an illness. I know how to navigate it. Extreme trauma comes with a label, but let’s work to fix it. I am experiencing it, not defined by it. Addiction is a response, not a disease. Your mind holds more power than your brain. Acute trauma can trigger a storm in both hemispheres of the brain. While you can’t change the past, you can begin from where you are and shape a new ending.

Please be aware that the book contains explicit content and a myriad of uncomfortable truths.
Sending you love and magic! Always, Lynnie. ❤